you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
