I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"