Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
