You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
