i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
