using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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