Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
