I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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