From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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