walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
