My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
