thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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