I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
