Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
