Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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