You just made me feel so damn special
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
