i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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