He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
