after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
