First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I am available for nakedness
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