he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
