New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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