If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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