fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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