Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
