Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
