just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Randomize
