my phone needs a breathalizer
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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