I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
