I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
