Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
