You're so nebulous sometimes
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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