The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Is Oprah even human
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
