there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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