Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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