I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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