my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
