I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I will be naked everywhere
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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