frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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