Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
