he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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