I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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