My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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