I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
