did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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