Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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