No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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