Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
