Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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