he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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