you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
