Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
