matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
