I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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